


you know i love you; did i ever tell you?

by kattyshack



Series: we’re at a party we don’t wanna be at [1]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crushes, Drunken Shenanigans, F/M, Flirting, Humor, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-26 17:10:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19010158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kattyshack/pseuds/kattyshack
Summary: Stark family shenanigans, booze-fueled matchmaking, and not-so-clever distractions at the latest bougie Westerosi shindig, told entirely in text messages.(title from “i don’t care,” by ed sheeran + justin bieber)





	you know i love you; did i ever tell you?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GhostofBambi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostofBambi/gifts).



> a/n: this one’s for sarah — because of the riverdale joke, the entire gendrya Mood, the stark sister dream team, and my unyielding eternal soulmate love for her

**THEON** : i’m dying

 **SANSA** : Oh, you are not.

 **THEON** : i am  
i’m being slowly but absolutely strangled by the oppressive standards of the bourgeoisie

 **SANSA** : _typing…_

 **SANSA** : Do you mean your tie?  
First of all, you’re being dramatic. Second, I TOLD you you’d done it up too tight, didn’t I?

 **THEON** : ………no

 **SANSA** : I’m rolling my eyes so hard that I’ve given myself a migraine.  
You should have let me tie it for you.

*****

**THEON** : sansa reckons i should’ve let her do up my tie  
AS IF i could let her that close to me without panicking  
i’d either kiss her or accidentally scream in her face  
either way completely obliterates my carefully cultivated air of suave charm

 **ARYA** : theon.  
you’re not suave.  
who is telling you these things?

 **THEON** : well it WAS my self-esteem  
which you have now effectively ruined, thanks

 **ARYA** : cheers.

 **ARYA** : ps that’s what you get for texting me about your uncontrollable lust for my poor unsuspecting sister.  
you’re hardly fit to serve her that champagne punch that you’re clearly drooling in every time she stops by the bar for a glass.

 **THEON** : i object

 **ARYA** : shut up before i declare you in contempt of court.  
arse.

 **ARYA** : how’d you even bag a job behind the bar tonight, anyway??  
i’d so rather pour shots than pretend to care about how well jaime lannister’s shirt shows off his shoulders.

 **THEON** : my sister runs the best pub in the city, that’s how  
also who have you been talking to???

 **ARYA** : literally everyone.  
even robb said ‘what the fuck’ when he walked in, but in like an awe-inspired way.  
he’s been asking talisa if she still loves him every five minutes since lannister got here. reckon she’s not going to for much longer if he keeps bugging her about it, but then she’s got the patience of a saint.

 **ARYA** : actually, maybe i should tell robb about your little crush on sansa, just to give his poor wife a break.

 **THEON** : uhmm or  
maybe the fuck you should NOT  
totally unrelated tho d’you think sansa’s noticed lannister’s shoulders?

 **ARYA** : a-HA!  
fuckin LOSER.

 **THEON** : shut the hell up and answer the question

 **ARYA** : that’s like, an oxymoron.  
also who cares if she HAS noticed his shoulders? do you really think sansa’s going to chat up her ex-boyfriend’s uncle?  
what sort of goddamn soap opera are you living in??

 **THEON** : idk maybe one of those teen ones wherein the unlikely best friend of the main character finally gets a shot with the mc’s sister, despite the fact that she’s leagues out of his own?

 **ARYA** : oh har har HAR.  
you really think ROBB’S main character material?  
no wonder you like ‘riverdale’ so much, your taste in titular characters is abysmal.

 **THEON** : i’m telling him that you compared him to archie  
he’ll be furious

 **ARYA** : whatever.  
I’M telling him that YOU have sexual designs upon his beloved darling of a sister.  
(who is obvs sansa, as i am his teeny hellion of a sister, and i’d straight murder you if you so much as winked at me.)  
so like, i win.

 **THEON** : we’ll see about that

*****

**THEON** : forget what i should’ve let you do with my tie, you should have let me STAY HOME  
i hate these parties  
why am i even here

 **SANSA** : Because, despite your father’s less than pleasant reputation, the Greyjoys and the Starks have brokered an advantageous business arrangement that has pulled in all manner of prestigious investors — hello, Iron Bank — who expect to see evidence that two of their most lucrative assets are playing nice.

 **THEON** : pyke’s not THAT lucrative  
what about the lannisters?? or the baratheons?? they bring in more money than either of our families. why doesn’t the iron bank, etc., whoever, care about THEM

 **SANSA** : Because Tywin Lannister has the bank in his pocket so his family can do whatever they like, as per usual, and besides, their heirs are… not entirely impressive. You and Yara are a right side better — and a much more promising investment — than, say, Joffrey.

 **THEON** : that’s one way to talk about your ex

 **SANSA** : I’d say he’s earned it.

 **THEON** : oh you don’t have to tell me, love  
every time he looks at you i want to smash one of these 40s i have at my disposal in his smarmy face

 **SANSA** : How often is he looking at me?

 **THEON** : TOO OFTEN

*****

**SANSA** : Theon says Joffrey is looking at me ‘too often.’

 **ARYA** : theon is unreasonably biased.  
joffrey’s looked at you maybe twice and i think it was an accident. he’s way too embarrassed that you ditched him to look at you properly.  
as well it should be, btw.

 **SANSA** : That’s what I thought, too.

 **SANSA** : But what do you mean, Theon’s ‘unreasonably biased’? He’s barely ever spoken to Joffrey. What does he care?

 **ARYA** : _typing…_

 **ARYA** : eh well y’know…  
you just bring out the neanderthal in all men, babe.

 **SANSA** : Is that supposed to be a compliment?

 **ARYA** : IDK.  
i’m just saying  
have you had a look of yourself in that dress?? every red-blooded straight male in the vicinity’s biological predisposition is kicking into gear. i can practically smell the testosterone. they all definitely want to impregnate you. reckon you’ll have a marriage proposal from all of them before the night’s done.

 **SANSA** : Except Gendry, who’s been staring at you all evening, all googly eyes and slack jaw, like he just came for the first time.

 **ARYA** : how embarrassing for him

 **SANSA** : Now, don’t go acting all aloof. Lest you forget, we got drunk on classy mature wine last weekend and you told me — and I quote (which I can do with ease, by the by, as I have your confession on video) — ‘I’d top him like the winning piece in a game of Jenga.’

 **ARYA** : _typing…_

 **SANSA** : I always knew you’d be a top. I’m so proud.

 **ARYA** : exactly how many champagne punches have you had??

 **SANSA** : Oh, a fair few.

 **ARYA** : idk whether to call you a lush, or accuse you of getting tipsy just so you have an excuse to go flirt with theon at the bar

 **SANSA** : _typing…_

*****

**ARYA** : stop looking at me

 **GENDRY** : ?????????

 **ARYA** : pervert

 **GENDRY** : WHAT DID I DO

*****

**ARYA** : how many champagne punches has sansa had?

 **THEON** : idk a couple i guess?

 **ARYA** : i’m not asking for your best estimate.  
PRECISELY.  
i KNOW you know.

 **THEON** : HOW would i know??

 **ARYA** : fine.  
i’ll rephrase the question:  
how many times has sansa been within a reasonable distance for you to successfully (but not necessarily safely) leap over the bar and snog her within an inch of her life?

 **THEON** : ………five

 **ARYA** : FIVE TIMES??  
theon, that’s… so much champagne

 **THEON** : she’s still had the least amount to drink of anyone else here  
barring bran, maybe, but he’s only staying sober so he can con everyone out of their money by doing tarot readings in the corridor by the loos

 **ARYA** : yeah? have you been back there to ask the universe what shot in hell you’ve got with sansa?

 **THEON** : you’re so confrontational. next time you’re up here for another bahama mama i’m making it a virgin

 **ARYA** : excuse me  
who the FUCK do you think you are???  
you will mix a disproportionate amount of alcohol into my bahama mama and you will LIKE IT.

*****

**SANSA** : I have NOT been flirting with Theon.

 **ROBB** : _typing…_

 **SANSA** : Oh.  
Ah.  
Wrong number.  
LOL

 **ROBB** : Okaaaaaayyy…… ?

*****

**SANSA** : Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no  
I’m never drinking again.

 **ARYA** : sansa.  
don’t be ridiculous.

 **SANSA** : No, listen —

 **SANSA** : I meant to text you but then I nearly dropped my phone so it was a whole juggling struggle between probably cracking my screen or spilling a glass of champagne and thank the gods I managed to save both, but it came at a hefty cosmic price because then I texted Robb by mistake and insisted that I wasn’t flirting with Theon, which of course we both know is utter shite, and now Robb knows, too, which means Theon’s going to find out about it and then I’ll die of humiliation and my final moments have been captured in this monstrosity of a text message right here.

 **ARYA** : first off, if you did die, i’d never let anyone see this text. I’D certainly cherish it forever, but everyone else can fuck off.  
second…  
okay, so i’ll run damage control.

*****

**ROBB** : What is going on?

 **ARYA** : what  
who is this?  
wrong number

 **ROBB** : Why do my sisters keep doing this to me  
Are you on something??

 **ARYA** : on my way to a bright and promising future, that’s what i’m on.

 **ROBB** : Arya I just saw you literally somersault behind the bar and smack Theon in the face with a dish towel

 **ARYA** : and???  
your point????

 **ROBB** : W H Y

 **ARYA** : damn, robb, mind your business.

 **ROBB** : You are, RIGHT NOW, pushing my best mate, to his clear confusion, out of the ballroom and into the back corridor, where there are no witnesses (except for Bran and his legions of drunk tarot customers??), so I can only assume you’re about to murder him, probably for cutting you off — which btw is fair, the last time I saw you, you had a drink in each hand and Hot Pie was dutifully shadowing you holding two more and Hot Pie doesn’t even drink, so…  
This IS my business.

 **ROBB** : ARYA  
ANSWER ME

 **ARYA** : no need to SHOUT.  
and, y’know, wow, thanks for the play-by-play.  
why don’t you leave the young people alone and go bother your wife some more?

 **ROBB** : I’m only like five years older than you

 **ARYA** : good thing you married your doctor, grandpa.

 **ROBB** : ?????

*****

**THEON** : so arya just shoved me into a supply closet and locked me in  
how’s your night going?

 **SANSA** : Arya did WHAT?

*****

**ARYA** : gendry, i need you.

 **GENDRY** : I’m listening……

 **ARYA** : jesus, man, don’t make this weird.  
i don’t mean like for sex stuff.  
i just need you to distract robb.  
so like the polar opposite of sex stuff.

 **ARYA** : though actually you look really fit in that suit…  
so you know what, the sex stuff is negotiable.  
we’ll talk about it later.

 **GENDRY** : I’m intrigued but wildly suspicious  
Go on

 **ARYA** : basically, i just locked theon in a broom cupboard and now i need to get sansa in there, too.  
robb’s already asking too many questions about what i did to theon, so i need you to keep him busy while i get rid of sansa, or else he’ll ruin everything.

 **GENDRY** : I’m still confused

 **ARYA** : OF COURSE YOU ARE  
you’re too hot to be clever, too.

 **GENDRY** : What?? You’re hot AND clever!!

 **ARYA** : you should really be more indignant with me for insulting you, you know.

 **GENDRY** : Listen, you just  
You showed up to this party in a really tight, really sparkly dress  
And I’m… confused

 **ARYA** : story of your life, apparently.

 **GENDRY** : FFS I’ve fancied you for ages and finally, as soon as I say something nice, you try to piss me off

 **ARYA** : you didn’t say anything NICE, you just poorly described my dress and then basically told me that you’re an idiot.  
~SWOON~

 **GENDRY** : Christ, you’re antagonistic  
I really want to make out with you

 **ARYA** : that can be arranged  
but LATER.

 **GENDRY** : Why not NOW?  
Tell Hot Pie to distract Robb with his seven different souffle recipes or something, that way we can go find a broom cupboard of our own

 **ARYA** : god damn, gendry, get a gatorade if you need to quench your thirst so badly.  
besides, hot pie’s manning the bar while all of theon’s dreams are about to come true.

 **ARYA** : the only other person here who knows enough about booze to bartend is cersei, and for one thing it’s too plebeian a task for her, and also she’d just drink it all if she was left to her own devices.

 **ARYA** : help me, obi-wan kenobi  
you’re my only hope

 **GENDRY** : It’s really unfair of you to use Star Wars against me like that

 **ARYA** : help me now and i’ll do my hair up in princess leia buns before we snog later.

 **GENDRY** : God damn it  
FINE

 **ARYA** : you’re so EASY  
it’s incredibly attractive.  
we’re gonna have such a great time later.  
om nom nom.

 **GENDRY** : I’m both terrified and aroused

 **ARYA** : just the way i like ‘em.

*****

**SANSA** : Two things:  
One, why did you lock Theon in a closet?  
Two, do any of us know why Robb and Gendry are salsa dancing together?

 **ARYA** : robb and gendry are salsa dancing together because it’s what we, as a nation, deserve.  
as for your first question, that was an innocent mistake. which i need your help with bc the door’s stuck.  
meet me in the corridor?

 **SANSA** : On my way.

*****

**ROBB** : Where’s Sansa?

 **ARYA** : who’s sansa?

 **ROBB** : ARYA

 **ARYA** : furthermore, who is THIS?  
how do you know my name?  
how did you get this number??

 **ROBB** : Why are you like this?? ???

 **ARYA** : oh, please. pull yourself together, robb. go salsa with gendry again.

 **ROBB** : They switched the music we can’t salsa to this

 **ARYA** : you can salsa to anything  
you just have to BELIEVE, man.

 **ROBB** : Right now the only thing I ““BELIEVE”” is that you’re up to something, and that something involves Theon and Sansa, both of whom mysteriously disappeared ten minutes ago

 **ARYA** : you’ve lost your damn mind.

 **ROBB** : HAVE I????  
Let’s examine the facts, shall we?

 **ARYA** : i’d, like, rather not.

 **ROBB** : A.) Sansa texted me vehemently denying that she was flirting with Theon, then claimed ‘wrong number LOL’  
B) Sansa only ever texts ‘LOL’ when she’s panicking. The whole ‘I laugh so as not to cry’ sort of thing  
C) You’re drunk off your arse  
D) You kidnapped Theon and put him… somewhere, idk  
E) Now Sansa’s gone missing, too

 **ARYA** : okay but what’s me being drunk got to do with any of this?

 **ROBB** : You’re especially devious when you’re sloshed

 **ARYA** : thank you.

 **ROBB** : Tell me what’s going on, or I’ll tell Mum it was you who drew permanent marker mustaches on all of nan’s photos of Aunt Lysa and Robin

 **ARYA** : you wouldn’t

 **ROBB** : I would  
Now WHAT DID YOU DO

 **ARYA** : that’s really a question you ought to ask theon whenever he comes up for air.

 **ROBB** : What, did you take him to the fountain out back and drown him??

 **ARYA** : no, i locked him in a closet with sansa.

 **ROBB** : _typing…_

 **ARYA** : seeing as it’s been, oh, about fifteen minutes now, i imagine they’re both pretty — ahem — breathless.

 **ROBB** : _typing…_

**_ARYA STARK added THEON GREYJOY to the chat_ **

**ARYA** : @theon if i’m going down for this, then so are you.

*****

**ROBB** : WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SISTER

 **THEON** : _typing…_

 **THEON** : arya compared you to archie

 **ROBB** : _typing…_

 **ROBB** : She WHAT

 **ARYA** : ffs keep your eye on the prize, robb.  
theon debauched sansa in a supply closet.

 **THEON** : there was no ~debauchery~ calm down

 **ARYA** : you were gone for an HOUR.  
if there was no debauchery then you’re even more useless than i thought.

 **ROBB** : NO  
If there was no debauchery, then I won’t have to MURDER YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

 **THEON** : okay so let’s say you did have to murder me…  
can i see the video of the salsa dancing first? like in lieu of a last meal?

 **ROBB** : _typing…_

 **ARYA** : yeah, rickon got the whole thing —  
>ATTACHMENT: VIDEO<

 **THEON** : alright robb so give me  
jesus EIGHT MINUTES ???

 **ARYA** : right?? they really went for it. reckon they could go pro at this rate.

 **THEON** : honestly.  
okay so give me eight minutes to watch this and then yeah, i s’pose robb can get on with the murdering

 **ROBB** : _typing…_

 **ARYA** : so there WAS debauchery, then!  
good man, theon.

 **THEON** : thanks mate

 **ROBB** : NO NOT ‘GOOD MAN, THEON’  
BAD MAN

 **ARYA** : na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BAD MAN  
get it?  
like ‘batman.’

 **ROBB** : Shut UP, Arya

 **THEON** : dayum

 **ARYA** : rude, right?

 **ROBB** : YOU DID THIS

 **ARYA** : uh actually theon did it.  
with sansa.  
~together~

 **THEON** : we didn’t DO IT

 **ROBB** : HA  
Yeah, right

 **THEON** : oh my god

 **ROBB** : I’m going to plead justifiable homicide and get away with it

**_THEON GREYJOY added SANSA STARK to the chat_ **

**THEON** : help me

 **SANSA** : Robb, you’re not killing anyone. I haven’t been ‘debauched,’ that implies some Victorian-esque notion of purity and I’m a grown woman who is perfectly happy to snog a bloke who fancies her in a supply cupboard.

 **THEON** : i would like to add that it’s a mutual affection and she didn’t snog me out of… idk pity or something

 **SANSA** : I thought that would have been obvious.

 **THEON** : i’m still gonna say it

 **ROBB** : I need an antacid

 **THEON** : how about a whiskey? i’m manning the bar again  
just maybe don’t think about why or how my hair got to be in such a state

 **ROBB** : _typing…_

 **ARYA** : oh, not this shite again.

 **ARYA** : before robb has another goddamn coronary or whatever —  
so anyway, sansa, long story kinda but i’ve got a date with gendry tomorrow and i need you to do my hair.

 **SANSA** : Tell me everything!

 **ROBB** : Tell me NOTHING

 **THEON** : tell me an appropriate amount

 **ARYA** : sod off, boys.  
@sansa, reckon i could pull off princess leia buns? i owe gendry for the salsa distraction.

 **THEON** : LOL  
@sansa have you got a gold bikini she can borrow too?

 **ROBB** : _typing…_

 **THEON** : on second thought sansa maybe keep the gold bikini  
you know  
for when we reach that stage of our relationship

 **ROBB** : You know what?  
No

**_ROBB STARK left the chat_ **

**ARYA** : LMAO

 **SANSA** : Poor Robb.  
Arya, of course you can pull off the Princess Leia look. I’ll come by yours tomorrow afternoon.  
Theon, we’ll talk about the gold bikini when the time is right.

 **THEON** : oh -hell- yes

*****

**ARYA** : seven tomorrow night, we’re a-go.  
but i don’t have a gold bikini and i am NOT going to buy one for our first date because frankly you haven’t earned it yet, so don’t even ask.

 **GENDRY** : The hair?

 **ARYA** : done and done.

 **GENDRY** : I can live with that

 **GENDRY** : ;)

 **ARYA** : wtf don’t emoji at me.

 **GENDRY** : ::heart eyes::

 **ARYA** : UGH.

*****

**THEON** : hey thanks for fixing my tie

 **SANSA** : And not for the first time, allow me to remind you that you should’ve let me do it in the first place.

 **THEON**. yeah well either way you probably would’ve had to do it again anyway

 **THEON** : seeing as how you messed it up and all  
you know, when we were locked in that closet for a blissful sixty-two minutes, idk if you remember BUT…  
well, redoing it was the least you could do

 **SANSA** : ‘Smug’ isn’t really your colour, you know.

 **THEON** : are you kidding me  
i wear smug like you’re wearing that dress  
SUPER FUCKIN WELL

 **SANSA** : I can’t believe you’re hitting on me while my brother is sitting right in front of you, whiskey next to him and his head in his hands, utterly defeated.

 **THEON** : right, that beatific grin you’ve got going on has really put me in my place  
besides, robb’s gonna be fine he just needs to get used to the idea  
but he already knows i wanna treat you like a queen

 **SANSA** : Is that so?

 **THEON** : a queen who has to tie my windsor knots for me but otherwise yeah  
want me to prove it? bc i have a whole unopened box of little plastic cocktail swords behind the bar  
i could lay them all at your feet, if you’d like

 **SANSA** : That wouldn’t be very environmentally conscious of you.

 **THEON** : there’s purple you love purple

 **SANSA** : …Alright, so maybe set one purple cocktail sword aside, just in case I get to feeling particularly self-indulgent. x

 **THEON** : as you wish xx

**Author's Note:**

> a/n: will i supplement this with another one-shot about what precisely happened in that supply closet? PROBABLY. stay tuned...


End file.
